Suddenly Hopelessly
by firecracker189
Summary: Loki's magic creates havoc, ending up in five baby Avengers. PhilXMaria Clintasha Pepperony, Mama!Pepper, Daddy!Phil, mucho fluff inside!
1. Business As Usual

"How many times is he going to get out?" Clint yelled over the comm., ducking as another green missile whizzed past, nearly scalping him. This was the fourth time Loki had escaped since the Battle of New York.

"I dunno, but I'm getting tired of catching him." Natasha replied, firing back.

"You'll have to do better than that Reindeer Games!" Tony yelled, flying circles around the enraged god, pelting him with bits of asphalt.

"Tony!" Steve called from across the street where he was helping an elderly woman out of her destroyed car. "Stop irritating him! You're one insult away from him blasting us to smithereens with one of his mind-ray death zap thingies!"

"I agree friend Stark!" Thor boomed, intercepting a blast of his brother's green energy with Mjolnir. "We should not antagonize my brother further, lest he decide to up the lethality of his attacks!"

"Up the lethality?" Clint asked incredulously, climbing out of an archer-sized pile of rubble, groaning as he felt something dislodge from his leg. Looking down, he noticed a large piece of bone sticking out of his calf, and thanked his lucky stars for adrenaline—and the fact he couldn't currently feel the debilitating injury he'd just sustained. "Yeah, let's up the lethality. Sounds like a great idea."

"Stark!" Loki screamed, pointing his scepter at the whirl of red and gold that was Tony. "If you hurl one more projectile at me, I shall obliterate you from the face of this pathetic planet!"

Tony giggled. He couldn't help himself. Honestly, the guy sounded like a four-year-old whose favorite toy had been taken away. Besides, in his suit, he was nothing shy of invincible.

"Stark, _Stay where you are._ That's an order."

"Stark, you make one more move, and I'm taking you down. Clint's leg is broken, Cap's losing blood, and I'm losing energy fast. We can't afford it Tony."

"Friend Stark, I must implore you to rethink your actions for the good of your comrades!"  
"I know what you're thinking man, _don't do it._ Please. You know how bad things are when I'm begging, but my leg can't take much more abuse."

He heard them, he really did, and about one percent of him honestly did try to stop himself, but the opportunity was just too great to pass up. A voice in the back of his head vaguely concerned itself with Clint's leg and Cap's stab wound, but his hands moved of their own accord—reaching for the largest chunk of concrete yet, and he watched in slow motion as it flew through the air, end over end…

"ENOUGH!" Loki bellowed, throwing out his arms. "You were warned." Voice as frigid as the ice from whence he came, he raised his staff, performing a series of intricate movements and chanting under his breath.

The Avengers watched, horror struck, as burst of electric green energy shot out from the tip of the staff, separating into five balls of light, and hitting each of them square in the chest. They dropped like marionettes with no strings, eyes rolling back in their heads, jolting to the pavement sharply.

With a wave of Loki's hand, the unconscious Avengers were transported back to the Tower, to await their fate.


	2. Shocking News

**A/N: This story will slightly connect to my series of oneshots about Clint and Phil. I suggest you read them before continuing on.**

"So, Bruce, how was Somalia?"

"I think we were really able to come to a breakthrough among the locals. The medicine we've been trying lately has been really well accepted."

"That's good. I hope Tony hasn't gotten into too much trouble while we were away." Pepper reflected, smiling fondly.

Bruce shook his head, chuckling. "Wouldn't bet on it."

"Actually," Put in Phil from the front of the SHIELD helicopter, "Fury sent the team out this morning. Loki escaped again. That's why we had you two curtail your trips."

"Why didn't you tell me they were in trouble!? You should've let me know instead of pulling your SHIELD 'official buisiness' crap!" Pepper ranted.

"Well.." Phil scratched his head uneasily. "It's not that they're in _trouble _exactly… they're… well… you should just see for yourselves."

"Brace yourselves." Phil warned, stepping up to the door. Taking a deep breath, Phil knocked three times.

Immediately, the door was thrown open revealing a very disheveled Maria Hill, arms full of two toddlers.

"Maria?" Pepper queried incredulously. The normally spit and shine agent's hair had come loose from it's bun and tumbled down her back, and she had what appeared to be magic marker staining her cheek and hands. The tots were enthralled by the dark tresses, the little girl patting it gently, the little boy busy weaving what seemed to be bits of metal into the plaits he'd created.

"Pepper! Thank goodness you're here!" Maria cried, bordering on the verge of hysteria.

Phil gently pushed the two through the door, shutting it firmly behind him.

"DADDY!" Phil turned, grinning from ear to ear as a small blur of blonde came shooting across the room, barreling into his legs.

Gently prising the tot off his legs, Phil hoisted the boy into his arms, hugging him tightly.

"Hey, buddy! Did you have fun with Maria while I was gone?"

Pepper watched, fascinated, as the boy nodded. "Unh-huh. But she taked my bow away and won't let me have it no more."

Ruffling the boy's hair, Phil chuckled. "Well, good for Maria. I'd hate to see you get hurt, Clint."

Setting the boy on his feet, Phil pushed him towards the table, where several coloring pages were strewn about. "Why don't you go help Steve color?"

"Okay Daddy!" Clint scampered off, Steve happily making room at the table. Both boys gave Thor a wide berth. The mini god was happily banging crayons on the paper and rattling the table.

"_Daddy_?" Pepper asked, eyes brimming, turning to Phil.

He blushed. "Well… it's just that… he never called me that before. I kind of like it." He admitted. He'd never really been a 'daddy' before, though he'd raised Clint since the age of nine. "It's just…" he shrugged. "If I'm blessed with the chance to do it over again, I want to give him the proper experience. The one he deserved. The one they _all_ deserve."

"_Clint_?" Bruce squeaked.

"That's right." Maria confirmed. "And this is Tony," she cocked her head to the left. "and Natasha." She cocked her head to the right. "Steve's over there, as you heard." She shifted uncomfortably.

"Here, let me help you." Bruce stepped forward, holding out his arms.

"Thank you." Maria gratefully extended Natasha towards Bruce, but the child turned her face into Maria's neck, clinging to her. Maria huffed, exasperated. "Try Tony then."

Bruce did as instructed, extending the invitation to his now pint sized best friend. "Tony?" He asked hesitantly. "You wanna come see me bud?"

He nodded eagerly, tiny hands clinching and unclenching.

Bruce scooped Tony up, settling him on his hip.

"So… what exactly happened to make them like this?" Tiny hands began exploring the pockets of Bruce's jacket.

"As near as we can figure," Phil answered, stepping up and tucking a small rag doll into Natasha's arms. Pepper had gravitated to the coloring table, and was teaching Thor how to use crayons properly.

"Stark here was antagonizing our favorite delusional god of mischief and took things a little too far. We found them here. They were all asleep, and tiny." He shrugged. "We've got a team working on a solution, but we're doubting that anyone but Loki can tell us how long they'll be like this."

Bruce tutted, snatching his Stark-Phone away from tiny fingers—tiny _hacker _fingers, he'd learned his lesson about Tony and other people's electronics.

The boy's lower lip began to tremble, crocodile tears on the horizon.

"Tony, bud, you can't hack people's phones." Phil explained, patting the little boy's back gently. "It's bad to invade people's privacy. Tell Bruce you're sorry."

"But It has my name on it!" The tiny billionaire insisted, pointing to the StarkTech logo engraved on the back of Bruce's phone.

"I don't care whose name is on the back." Phil pressed on, not bothering to even wonder how a three year old would even know what his name looked like. "Tell Bruce you're sorry." He repeated, his tone taking on a hint of steel.

"No!" A frown appeared on the tiny forehead, tears replaced with arrogant defiance. "It's MINE!"

"Tony, just because something has your name on it, doesn't mean it's yours. My name is on my office, but it belongs to SHIELD, not me. Your name is on Bruce's phone, but it's not yours."

"YES IT IS!" Tony shouted, apparently ready for a full blown tantrum if he didn't get someone to agree with him.

"No, it's not."

"IS TOO!"

"Anthony Edward Stark! You listen to me right now." Phil's voice held an edge reserved for two purposes only: interrogating murderers, and dealing with Tony Stark.

The little boy quieted immediately, bested by the usage of the dreaded full name.

"This phone belongs to Bruce, and that's final. Do you understand me?"

The wide-eyed youngster nodded. "Good. Now apologize to Bruce."

Tony sniffled, fat tears beginning to leak from his eyes. "Sowwy Bwuce."

Whimpering, he reached for Phil. Phil sighed, taking the distraught toddler from Bruce. Tony buried his face in Phil's neck, sobbing as if his world has just ended.

"Phil?"

Phil rubbed Tony's back soothingly, rocking from side to side. "Yes?"

"Awe you mad at me?" Tony mumbled into Phil's lapel, shaking with sobs.

"No buddy, I'm not mad at you. I'm just trying to teach you that you can't invade other people's privacy like that, that's all. Now, dry those tears, huh? Let's you and me see if we can't beat Clint in a Nerf war."


	3. Hostage Situation

"Talk!"

Phil squirmed from his place on the floor, where he was currently pinned by two tiny assassins.

Natasha plunked her tiny fists on her hips, scowling. "I know you know where Tony and Steve goed Phil!"

He shook his head, inwardly grinning even as he outwardly played the part of the terrified prisoner. Seeing Maria make her way towards the door, he called out.

"Maria! Help me!"

Stopping in her tracks, Maria grinned. "Sorry boss, got some new recruits to see to."

Turning the door knob, she looked back over her shoulder. "Good luck!"

"Maria! Don't—" Chuckling to herself, Maria quickly shut the door.

"I think he needs a little more per.. perka… pursoo.." Clint's tiny brow furrowed.

"It's persuasion, Clint." Natasha huffed, glaring down at Phil. He quickly snapped his eyes back to the two deadly toddlers.

"Pur-soo-way-shun." Clint sounded out carefully, pleased with himself.

Grinning, Natasha climbed carefully off Phil's chest, ran over to the sofa, grabbed the throw pillows , and came back.

She clutched one to her chest, and thrust the other to Clint.

"We will make you talk!"

Phil's eyes widened, and he tried valiantly not to laugh as he had a vision of an adult Natasha terrifying many a hardened criminal by uttering those same words.

"Please… No!" He begged, squirming around, hoping to unseat his tiny protégés.

Natasha grinned evilly, and rained down a hail of blows with her cushy weapon.

Clint followed suit, relentlessly beating his surrogate father about the head and shoulders with his pillow.

"Aha! Tony, I found them!"

Bruce ran in, followed closely by Tony who was wearing one of his adult self's ties around his head and wielding a Nerf bazooka. Bruce carried a Nerf pistol, it's twin shoved into his belt haphazardly. Phil's semi-automatic dart launcher lay just out of reach, beyond the sofa, having gone flying as the two pint sized agents tackled him for information.

Halting just shy of the doorway, Bruce turned to face Tony. "Open fire!" He shouted, raining down foam darts at the two trouble makers, giving Phil time to rocket to his feet.

Natasha and Clint squealed, scrambling for cover behind the sofa.

"Oh no you don't!" Phil roared, scooping up Clint in one arm and Natasha in the other. "You two owe me an apology!" He growled, flopping them down on the couch and beginning to tickle them relentlessly.

"Pepper!" Clint half laughed half screamed as Phil began to nibble his bare toes. "Save us!"  
"PEPPER!" Natasha shrieked, voice rising to a pitch only dogs can hear as Phil blew a raspberry on her tummy, sending her into convulsions of laughter.

"TONY NO!" Screamed Clint, as the tiny genius opened fire on his unsuspecting comrades. Bruce shrugged, deeming it okay to throw his dignity out the window just this once, and joined Tony.

"What is it!? What's—" Pepper skidded into the room, breaking off as she caught sight of the pandemonium before her. Steve trotted in behind her, immediately rushing to the aid of his team-mates, the lid from one of Pepper's cook pots held aloft in imitation of his adult counterpart's shield.

"A battle! Most excellent! I shall defend Lady Natasha!" Thor charged in, miniature hammer in hand, and began whacking Bruce about the knees and shins.

Pepper sincerely hoped tiny Mjolnir didn't pack even half the punch it's normal sized self did. Drawing herself up to her full 5'5, Pepper put on her most commanding face.

"EVERYBODY FREEZE!"

All activity halted, seven pairs of eyes coming to rest on Pepper. "Thank you. Now, it's nearly 6. Supper is almost ready, and I want all of the toys put away, all of the pillows back where they go," she spared a pointed glance at Natasha and Clint, who smiled guiltily out from behind Phil's arms. "and all the hands washed. Do I make myself clear? Oh, and Thor?"

The tiny god turned to face her. "Maybe you shouldn't hit people with Mjolnir unless they're bad guys?"

He hung his head guiltily. "I am sorry Lady Pepper. I will no longer harm my comrades with Mjolnir's wrath."

"Good boy." Pepper ruffled his mane affectionately, clapping her hands. "Chop chop! Dinner in five!"


	4. Bathtime

As soon as Pepper's back was turned, there was a mad scramble of activity. Pillows thrown back onto sofas, guns and bazookas piled into the toy chest, coloring books and crayons dumped into drawers, and children scooped up to wash.

Finally, after much bickering, pinching, and shoving, hands were washed, bottoms placed in booster seats, and dinner on the table.

Pepper had gone for the healthy approach: chicken nuggets with a side of apple sauce and tater tots. At least, she consoled herself with the fact that the apple sauce and ketchup were organic.

Dinner was called to an abrupt end when Clint decided it would be funny to throw his chicken nugget at Thor, and in retaliation the mini thunderer summoned a bolt of lightning to zap Clint. The shocked little boy threw himself at Phil, howling. Phil carried Clint off to get cleaned up, leaving Bruce and Pepper to handle the rest.

Standing briskly, Pepper gazed around at the three little boys and one little girl before her. And she dreaded what was coming next.

"All right everyone, bath time!" A chorus of groans sounded from around the table. "I know, I know. But, if you all get cleaned up and behave nicely," she shot Tony a look. "then after baths, we'll watch a movie!"

The tots enthusiastically agreed, the boys heading off with Bruce, Natasha with Pepper.

"Clint, no- ARGH!" Phil cried out, turning around and catching a face full of water from the giggling toddler. Sputtering, Phil groped for a towel, swiping his sopping face. "Sit _still _Clint! The sooner we get this finished, the sooner you get to watch a movie."

The boy's head snapped up, body immediately stilling. "What movie?" He demanded, allowing Phil to swoop in and finish rinsing his hair.

"I don't know buddy, but I bet you'll find out soon if you get cleaned up and into your 'jammies." Phil placated, wrapping Clint in a large towel and setting him down. "Now go and find Bruce, he'll help you change clothes, okay champ?"

" 'Kay!" The little boy waddled out of the room, towel trailing behind.

"Now…" Phil mused, adding more warm water to the tub. "Who's next?"

Pepper smiled, stepping back to examine her handiwork. Natasha stood patiently before her, clean face shining, wet hair pulled neatly back into a plait. Dressed in her new My Little Pony pajamas (which she had violently protested wearing) she sat, feet dangling, atop the counter in Pepper and Tony's large bathroom, watching Pepper paint her toenails.

Noting the little girl's interest, Pepper smiled. "I could do yours next, if you like Natasha."

The little girl smiled eagerly, red curls bouncing up and down as she nodded.

Placing a selection of colors in a line across the counter, Pepper put the finishing touches on her toes, turning towards her charge.

"What color would you like Natasha?"

"Um…"

The toddler's brow furrowed, a tiny finger coming up to rest against her chin.

"That one!"

She pointed to a dark purple color that closely resembled the purple accents on grown-up Clint's uniform.

Pepper smiled.

"Good choice!"

Carefully shifting the box of supplies to the other side of the counter, she leaned down, swinging the little girl's legs up in front of her.

"ANTHONY EDWARD STARK!"

Startled, Bruce looked up curiously from where he was pulling a pajama top over Clint's head. Steve sat on the bed quietly, watching, Thor sitting beside him, polishing his tiny Mjolnir with the corner of his t-shirt.

A sopping wet and sudsy Phil strode into the room, carrying an armful of giggling Tony wrapped in a towel. "Here." Phil shoved the boy into Bruce's arms testily, fed up with the toddlers' antics. "I'm going to my room to shower." He swept out of the room.

Bruce blinked. "Well. Guess Uncle Phil's a little grumpy, huh Tony?" He chuckled, ruffling the boy's wet hair. "C'mere Clint, let me help you with that shirt, then you can go sit with Steve and Thor while I help Tony."

The tiny archer hopped over obediently, sticking out his head towards Bruce. Reaching out, he tugged the small shirt the rest of the way over the boy's head. "Now go sit on the bed while Tony get's his jammies on."

"Kay!" Clint shimmied up the side of the bed, executing a perfect backflip onto its surface beside Steve, who squeaked and covered his eyes. "Clint! You gotta be careful! You coulda hurted yourself!" He scolded, earning an eyeroll from his friend.

Bruce carefully toweled off the tiny inventor, quickly helping him slip into a pair of tiny undies and a matching set of Iron Man Pj's. "There." He smiled down at Tony. "Now we can go find out what movie Pepper and Natasha have picked for us."

The boys screamed excitedly, tumbling off the bed and forming a mob around Bruce, tugging at his pantlegs impatiently, sweepng him towards the door.

"Alright, Alright!" He laughed. "We're going!" Opening the door, he stood by as a stream of rowdy toddlers shot out the door, running down the hall towards Pepper and Tony's room.


End file.
